Wednesday, December 01, 2004

theres prolly like a million n one songs that can make me cry now...i juz cant help it...its my only way of coping now...i mean im so ok with being his friend n im glad we still can talk n stuff but like u know...its definitely diffrent...its like now i feel like waht if he meets sum1 new..or sumthin..its makin me damn insecure n well now the feelings can juz fade away on his part...but i kno myn wont..after yest i decided that im juz gona stop tryn...let him hav his space...gelex told me not to think bout this whole thing n im tryn but i guess cryn is my way...its been a week n im still feelin this way...why...i dun wanna feel like this...is it easier to b one of those couples that totalli break off all ties...i dun think i can take that...that would b worse for me...but it oso hurts whenever im with him...its like sumtymz i would juz wanna say "i love u" or sms him sayin that i miss him...but i juz stop myself...its like i dun wanna make things worse...i wish i could see into the future or turn back time..i just wish i could juz hide from the world now...whenever i see him i feel like my heart is gonna pop out n i alwez try to hide how upset i am or how happi i am...n when he leaves...the tears juz come like that...i keep tellin myself its over n that i should juz go my seperate way but my heart tells me to wait...matt sed i shouldnt if its juz gonna hurt me so much..i told him...it doesnt matter how much it hurts me or drives me nuts..if i love him then im not givin up...i mean i wont try to get him back...ill juz b his fren n give him time...n hop that someday he will come back...either that or juz get over him...keep on listenin to that gareth gates song..juz love it so much...i gota stop this...the paranoid me thinks he realli doenst hev feelins for me n hez juz tryn not to hurt me by doin this...but if that is real then welli dunno...i saw his old blog entry n ther was one line when he sed he didnt wanna lose me...n well now its more like i lost him...dahlah i wanna stop this oredi...gona curl up in bed n cry myself to sleep as usual...yes i know im weak...so sue me...im a cancer..cancerians cry cos theyre weaklings....n im the weakest one whos juz doomed to be unloved n alone forever...look at me..with the whole self pity crap..im such a pathetic loser...cant even maintain a relationship...so much for forever...well at least now i know i wont trust anyone ever again...n sorry guys but this is one girl who has given up on love n i definitely dun believe in forever anymore...now im just left with all the memories...all the times i spent with him...hmm juz woke up haha..its one pm now...i told myself that i wont b the 1st one to sms him...i wanna wait for him to sms...i kno i kno wad da hell but at least if he smses 1st i kinda kno mayb hez still intrested n hez not JUZ layaning me u kno..my god..i was juz typin that when he did sms...wad da hell..haa...i dun wanna b too self assured but i kinda cen feel that he does care for me n love me but i dunno..im juz scared that if its not true ill b a wreck...hell cmon if he didnt care then y would he b botherd bout the whole job thing n me gettin sick...nadiah nadiah...delusional...dunolah...i juz wish i knew whatz gonna happen...i hate the feelin of bein apart frm him...i know it was mainly my fault we broke up but i reali wanna make things right...i love him too much to let him go...i know i know..i sound rediculously pathetic but i do feel that way...but no..im not gona get all syco n suicidal...please ah..thats juz dumb..what would killing myself n all that prove or do..im not like sum gals hu try to kill themself if they breakup with their guy...n wow..thats a loong entry...i better stop now...damn i miss him...hmm i guess il onli get to say this here...


posted by naddz @ 8:29 AM

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