i dont want love out of pity
i dont want it out of gratitude
i dont want someone to be miserable to make me happy
i dont want to be with others only to actually be alone
i dont want to have something that really isnt mine
i dont want to be happy now only to cry later
i dont want my life to fall apart again just when it is finally coming into place
no more sad songs, rainy days, admissions to the hospital or psycologist sessions....if thats what being in love causes then id rather be single for life...
dont hev any idea why i soo cannot sleep...cant seem to know whats going on in my life anymore...i hate it esp when i think things are going well n suddenli they go wrong...i gotta admit last sat i wuz beginning to have doubts bout my relationship with him...n it wuz all bcos of what he sed bout sending me home n stuff...somehow i started wonderin if hez stayin with me cos he feels sorry for me or what...worst still i wuz beginin to wonder if i wuz realli totalli over hafiz....i mean...i know i am over him...but seeing him on friday started to trigger old feelings...worst still fri wuz like exactli a year since he got intrested in me n askd akash for my num...but i resolved all those feelins on sun morn/sat nyt...i wuz contemplatin askin him for a short break even....but part of me knew i love him...even if i hev feelins for hafiz...those are dormant feelings....gone oredi...but u knowlah...hard to forget 1st loves u know...hey i may overeact over things that he sez n dat alwez makes him feel that hes rong but hez not...hez alwez been so sweet to me n loving n well i know im lucky that iv got him in my life....at times i wonder what i would do if iv got another chance to b with hafiz....i know a small part of me would run back to him in a split second but a huge part of me wont even think twice...y....isnt it obvious...i somehow wish that i didnt seem like such an mbarassment to him...i knoe he doesnt want sum people to know bout me...thats y i alwez pretend dat i dun know him if we run in2 people he knows....i totalli understand it...but well gues it kinda hurts a bit...makes me feel like insignificant...see...told u im such a pain...oh well..i know that i dun wanna blow this...im not gonna blow this...it matters too much to me...n well...for a fact if it does fall apart im gonna b such a wreck...n well...im oredi preparin myself for it...not that i tink itll happen.just in case....realli dun wanna b too affected...almost a year of depression...bulimia...suicide attempts is enough...
A True Love is...
1. A friend.
2. One who needs a friend.
3. A lover.
4. Someone with whom you can discuss anything from menstrual periods to bathroom talk to sexual preferences to life and death to philosophy to science and back.
5. A confidant.
6. They aren't a supermodel, yet they are the most beautiful creature that you have ever laid eyes upon, even after twenty years.
7. Someone who occasionally reminds you uncannily of your parents at times although in different forms.
8. A shoulder to cry on.
9. Someone who needs a shoulder to cry on.
10. Your image of heaven includes this person rather profusely.
11. You can look back on the history that you created together and both cry and laugh, hopefully at different parts.
12. You are not the same person, instead two seperate entities that can combine into a supreme being.
13. You plan names for your kids.
14. When this other person is asleep, you can't help it if you have a twenty page paper do the next morning, you just want to put the universe on hold and watch them.
15. You find yourself thanking God that S/He allowed you to stumble accross this other person. 16. They can help you see things about yourself that you haven't seen before.
17. You help them see things about themselves that they haven't seen before.
18. You feel this uncanny sense of completeness whenever you are around this person.
19. Each of your seperate concerns and victories become a shared concern and victory.
20. You love them more than anything else in this entire world.
21. When you look down at your hands intertwined, you get a rush.
22. When you talk to this person, even on the phone, you feel butterflies. Especially after several years of knowing this person.
23. You are happy when your partner is happy.
24. When you hold your partner, it reminds you of something special you held as a child - ie a stuffed animal, a pillow.
25. Your love for this person grows daily.
26. You've seen your partner at their worst times and the best times.
27. They've seen you at your worst times and best times.
28. You ask yourself, "How did I survive without this person before now?"
29. You desire to be with this person the rest of your life (not necessarily marriage).
30. Your heart tells you it's right.
31. True love is patient.
32. True love is classified as delusional.
33. True love is addictive.
34. True love waits, (how long, I do NOT know!).
35. Your true love can define or destroy your world.
36. Your true love will not change for you.
37. You will not have to change for your true love.
38. The eyes of the other is what make it worthwhile, for in them you can see the boundless love kept just under the surface.
39. The little voice in the back of your head will quiet its shouting and dire portents, for it will recognize that he/she is your true love.
40. Your true love knows what to say, how to say it, when to say it, and when not to, to help you along.
41. Your true love won't leave you.
42. When you can hold hands and skip together in public and not give a damn about who sees you and what they say.
43. You smile when you look at their picture.
44. It feels natural to both of you.
45. You get used to having this other person around very quickly.
46. You miss this person constantly.
47. Your true love will buy you a cat just because you said they were cute.
Life is a journey from one point to another. You know where you will end up, but you don't know what route will get you there. The journey itself is what makes life and love worthwhile, not the outcome.
ok...i know iv been real negative these recent weeks...hell iv been negative all this while...anyway...wuz watchin 7th heaven n well i realised sumthin...i never realised how lucky i am...sure i may not have it good n i may suck sumtymz...n well truthfully sumtymz i may feel like he..well u know..but well nobodys perfect n i should treasure what i have...things may not go right all the time but bottom line nothing goes right all the time..its just how u handle the situation....if i dun let little things bother me...then everythin shuld b ok....
dunno wads with me...oredi i got upset cos of wad he told me bout sendin me home...all this while tot he did it cos he wanted to...hell if hez sendin me back to make him self feel better cos he tinks i sulk if he doesnt do it then no thanks..i dunned him sendin me back cos of pity or sumthin...hmm..i know he wants to make me happi but i dun wan him to b miserable cos of that...m i too demandin??i mean...i dun ever ask for gifts n stuff thou it wuld b nice if i got em...ever...but i dun..cos i dun see the point in gettin ex stuffs...but..like do i xpect him to do this or that??... i oso dunno...theres a lotta other issues but i wont go in2 em...for what...not importantlah...chatd with yiwen yest bout sum stuffs n damn she was right bout sumthin dat i never realised till friday...i mean...i know i shuldnt b feelin what im feelin but i tink im feelin dat way cos well ther wuz no clousure... urgh...sumtymz i realli feel like i should just be alone...then wont hurt anyone....if i fall in love ill surely hurt the guy or get hurt myself....ok enough with the hurt crap....i wanna focus at the problem ryt now....wad do i do....i dont wanna change anitin but well but....hmm...ill tok to aerfi bout this...hopfulli he can help....n baby...im sorri
In amp class now…sittin alone..funni how at 1st I was sittin with kb n shaun n suddenly im alone…yeah hilarious…oh whatever..wasnt like this last tym…alwez had da 3 stooges or ian…ah well wad to expect…like fat sed…being a loner is the best…ah screw it..im onli gonna b in da class for like what 2 more weeks onli…then wont see em nimore so hell ah…sit alone sit alone…bloodi hell I feel sick…damn..dun even feel like goin for the damn thermofluid lecture sia…like wanna go down to the polyclinic n get an mc…cant b fucked sia…seriously cannot be bothered anymore…I got no more energy to even care anymore sia….juz wanna get my life in np over n done with…
cant sleep again...stressed out..nwe...watchd dat sing song thingy...damn funni sia esp kumar...him with his snake....(sum got the joke)...n his "indian see grass must roll"....classic sia...tell more later...nwe...dunno y i kinda miss him...yeah i know pathetic huh...duh..i dun wanna seem like those needy gfs hu muz c their guys each day n im so not good at showin my emotions..mayb dun wan him to see how much i like him..y..i oso dunnola...scared if i do he'll take me for granted mayb..ah hell wad m i sayin...god....y m i suddenli all emo...shitlah...never once tot id fall this bad...i should sue myself...dahlah..wanna go bathe nw
hellewww....me cant sleeplah...keep on vomittin...damn..wads rong sia...nwe...tried to do maths...haizz...cennotlah...cant even keep my eyes open sia...ah well..ill try again soon...now muz stay up or at least try...damn...i cant bliev he n i lasted 2 months...sure im realli happy but still u know i cant help feelin scared...feelins do change...sure he said can control but sum feelins u juz cant...i know i know in these kinda things u gota take a risk blah blah...but do i realli wanna risk gettin hurt the way i did when hafiz wuz concerned??i mean hafiz wuz da major one n now compared to this hafiz is like nothin...so its like wad if this falls apart...dun tell me ill b that same wreck i wuz almost a year ago but worst...i mean..i alwez told myself guys arent worth throwin my life away but hell i almost did it once n i dun wanna do it again...dun get me rong...i do love him n yes i wan it to work out..but wad if it doesnt...oh well..like aerfi sed dun tink bout it at all...juz take one day at a time...(yeah a worrywart like me)...ill try...like god knows hu sez...live for today dun tink bout 2moro...n forget yesterdays...n by yesterdays i mean hafiz...yeah sure i admit he was my 1st love n all that shit..but thats in the past...im sooo over that now...n hez nothin like hafiz...(theyre both guyslah but personalitywise no)...its weird how i wuz alwez so pessimistic bout this...gave it like a week like that...yet it lasted this long...when hafiz wuz concerned...we both were to da point of discussin marriage n yet we didnt even last a monthh...hahahaha....funni sia...well ok..enough of my negativity...i juz wanna use this opportunity to say what i can never say to his face....
when i 1st knew of ur existence i juz thought u were cute...when i started kinda likin u i wantd to keep it a secret...when u 1st msgd me..i had a sorta kinda minor heart attack...when helmy did what he did i was convinced u woulndt call n when u did again i almost had another heart attack...all those times we hung out(n u still didnt know)i was so temped to tell u but fear of gettin rejected prevented it n that tues on da train when u asked me the qn i wanted to run up n down the cabins screamin....i gave it a week tops n well shocked myself when it lasted a whole month...then gave it a few more weeks wic dragged into 2 months...seems really short though...i did have doubts at 1st like if u really did like me or if u had a ulterior motive..sori i doubted u..guess iv been used too many tymz juz didnt wan it happenin again...its weird how all this time every1 wuz convinced i should b with a much older much more mature guy when actuali the perfect(dun yaya papaya) one is like 1 year n 2 months younger than me...i alwez wonder wad u see in me n when ul realise how flawed i m n how u deserve better..dunno how u can say that iv got a nice this n a nice that when i never saw it before...n no1 else did too...ur one of the few people hu make me feel good bout myelf n when im with u i can realli smile n not pretend to do it..ur like the one non loser outta the zillions of losers i ever liked...when i 1st got the deferment i thought it wuz the worst thing dat could ever happen to me..but i realised dat things do happen for a reason and one of the best thing s that i got outta the deferment wuz that i met u...i know ill prolly barf after writin this cos more than 10 lines of emoness is juz too much esp for me...i juz wanna say that err i eh..i love u...(phew da t wuz hard)...im sorry for all those times my moods or behaviour drove u mad...hey evry1 has flaws....m glad u came into my life baby....
my laptop dieD!!!!!!god im so damn pissed off sia...n worst still i gota pay for the repairs...y cos i dun hev dA damn fuckin insurance...god stooopid ass....fuck fuck fuck...well lookin on da brite side...i get to use my cuzzzins lappy...n i mean da sony viao...woohooo...tok bout cool ryt....heh heh heh....nwe enough of the crappi stuff..todays out 2nd month...wah tok bout cool ryt...it act lasted hehe...oklah..class over me update ltr ait
Everyone thinks he's a bad person, that he has no
heart and that he couldn't love or ever be
loved. Well, you just proved those ignorants
wrong. This dude would go thirty times around
the earth if you would ask him to. A person who
threatens you must really have a death wish.
What kind of boyfriend would you have?(with pics and obviously for girls^^) brought to you by Quizilla
Your soul is bound to the
Burning Rose: The
Rapture.
"I go where my heart beckons me, and I go
with my head high. But sometimes, I get a need
until I bleed so my heart swims above my
head."
The Burning Rose is associated with passion,
intensity, and desire. It is governed by the
god Eros and its sign is The Flame, or Physical
Love.
As a Burning Rose, you can get lost in the moment
if you let yourself. You are a very physical
person, be it in relationships, work, or play.
You may be driven by your hormones sometimes,
but you know it's because you have to follow
your instinct.
What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To? brought to you by Quizilla
hey...ok i was bored so i was thinkin bout well naturally his n my relationship...god i cant bliev i called it that..i gotta admit iv not been this happy since hafiz but then again iv never been this scared too...i mean...yes things are great ryt now but cmon nothing lasts forever...i just dun wanna get to the point that if we do end up breakin up ill b an even worse wreck compared to well when hafiz n i broke up..i mean...well..i err love him...shit cant bliev im admitin dat n well i guess he loves me too..doesnt say it but things like dis duneed saying...u can juz feel it eh...bull...thing is i dunno y when i wasnt in love or nithin i was kinda unhappy....but now..im in love n im really happy but i do get sad at times cos well the thought of it not working out juz upsets me...ah hell...dunno wad im tinkin..
You represent... naivete.
So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.
What feeling do you represent? brought to you by Quizilla
wuz bored so i took da quiz...nwe...things are goin great...im tired n sleepi but well il survive...matts leavin tomorow...for good...n i dunno..im real upset bout it..hell im so gonna miss him n hu m i gonna turn to now ..well thers him i know but u knowlah...its diff...ah well..thers still email n stuff..oh yeah n we're still together..yes dan we are..dun look shocked...amazed dat nadiah hasnt screwd it up yet..well so m i...i do sumtymz make him iritated or pissed at me(hey i know i do dun pretend)...but damn hez really well wonderful(no0 im not eggageratin)...wic brings me to tis qn...do i really dserve him...i duno...mayb i dun...im juz real lucky huh....after all those losers(-mat,eman n whats his name)..finally got myself a guy hu isnt such a huge idiot...hahaha...no offense baby....dahlah.me hungri...wanna eat the hiro i bought dat day
me n lyn @ catnteen 1 now...both pissed off...for obvious reasons...ah well..hu cares...we dont...me ate yong tau hu...damn nice...n i ate ice kacang n da peanut pancake...feel damn sick nw...typical
oh whateverlah...bloody iritated ryt now...1st thing again i dunno wad da fuck is goin on for my cad...typical right..craplah...fail aja....get kicked out of this fucked up course oso good...damn i give up...ok so then y da hell m i on da freakin verge of tears...shit...shuldv not come at all...oh fuck it...bloody world hates me...hell god hates me lah...thats y i never ever get what da hell i freakin want....
