Monday, November 29, 2004

a fren of mine who i confided in recentli told me sumtin..that i shuldnt hang with idham n well shez ryt...i mean yes i dun hev feelins for him but he likes me n hez makin moves on me...althou sf didnt seem botherd by it i know he prolly was...guess to me it was nothin but wen she askd me how id feel if his ex suddenli did that n well i gta admit id b pretty pissed too...but like now...wer not together but like when im with him i feel like nothings changed...juz that i know we'r not in a relationship nimore...sure when we'r not together n when i think bout it i do feel like cryin wic i do(yest at mcd)....n its crazy...when i pass by any store that we ever went to...even once n i cen remember what happnd then....n i juz feel likewell crap...i wish i culd juz turn back time n change everythin i did...i know that if i hev to ill wait for him...but if he doesnt wanna b with me then ill prolly wait a few years b4 gettin involved with any other guy...i jus hate the feelin...mayb im juz destined never to actualli fall in love n stay in love..1st ther was hafiz..n well we all kno wad happend..n it took me 9 months to get over a guy i was with for less than a month...n then he came along n i tot mayb this could b well it...but the cynical me was right...things didnt last n again my heart got broken....i tink if it gets broken one more time i myt as well juz date arnd n not give a shit bout feelings n stuff...wads the point..il get hurt in the end anyway...myt as well not take that risk again n save myself the tears...im sick n tired of crying myself to sleep n crying b4 i go to work n durin my break n after work...shit..im doin it now..bloody hell...fuckin hate this lah.ok get a grip...dun b such a weakling can...i know im not the suicidal typ...haha thank god...ill juz feel like crap n thats all...n now its like..shalins not arnd so i cant go to her n fathrul well need i say more..so now im facing all this on my own....since i cant talk to ni1 bout this the onli thing to do is pretend im ok..juz go on bein brave,,i kno i can do this...no matter how many tears i gota cry...how many times i feel like breakin down or juz leaving...

posted by naddz @ 7:53 AM 3 Comments

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Simple Plan-I Promise
Breakdown
I can't take this
I need somewhere to go
I need you
I'm so restless
I don't know what to do
We've had our rough times
Fighting all night
And now you're just slipping away
Give me this chance
To make the wrongs right,to say
Don't don't don't walk away
I promise
I won't let you down (you down)
If you take my hand tonight
I promise
We'll be just fine (this time)
If you take my hand tonight (repeat)
Without you (I go through the motions)
Without you (it's just not quite the same)
Without you (I don't want to go out)
I just wanted to say
That I'm sick of these fights
I'll let you be right
If it stops you from running away
So give me this chance
To make the wrongs right, to say
Don't don't don't walk away
I promiseI won't let you down (you down)
If you take my hand tonight
I promise
We'll be just fine (this time)
If you take my hand tonight
Take my hand
I promise
If you take my hand tonight
I won't let you down (you down)
Take my hand tonight

posted by naddz @ 11:08 AM 0 Comments

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

well things are ok now..i mean we're still broken up but frenz...i hop...i mean i know that deep down i dun wanna b juz frenz but im not gonna b the crazed loon who wont let go...im gona respect his descision n juz move on...i dun wan the whole hafiz thing to happen again...then again is this a break up as in for good?...never gona happen again or isit a "break" to cool off n stuff?...i dunno...shit..i was fine...now im cryn shit shit shit..what i juz read this one msg frm him in sept...it wuz so sweet so naturalli i muz crylah...cos like duh ill never recieve dat kinda sms frm him nimore...god..this bloody hurts..i knew it was tru...the whole nothin good lasts forever...it didnt...told u so...n the whole wenever sumthin good happenz to me in the end itll juz blow up in my face...damnnit..i dun wanna think about him...it jus hurts too much...n it totalli affects my werk...damn lah...im such an idiot..a fool..a gundu...kelabu asap...wad else..ah u get the pic...matt told me that if its meant to b then he n i will end up together again...truthfulli...i wish it was...but i dun think he feels the same...hell i dun regret watever happnd btwn us but i juz hate the fact that we'r givin up on us juz like that...n it wuz all cos i couldnt let go of the whole movie thing...bodohlah nad...no wonder ur alone...thats just how it works...looks like ill b attendin shalins weddin alone...craplah i realli hate myself....n suddenli im woozy..muz b all the pills..ok then..gona go sleep now

posted by naddz @ 7:41 PM 0 Comments

well its over now..he broke it off with me...hell i know its my fault...but that was juz how i felt at the time i wrote it..n by writin it in my blog is my way of lettin off steam..i know i hvnt been the most lovin gf but i dunno y i juz fear bein that way cos i feel like hez not bothered at all n i didnt wana seem needy...these past few weeks hev been crap...evrytym i wanna meet him it alwez alwez gets cencelled for sum reason or another...n he makes it seem like hez meetin me juz cos i wanna meet n its like as thou hez onli doin it so that i get to see him..like hez doin me a favour...like the movie on sun...n i was hurt wen he didnt even sms me on sun...i was up da nyt hopin he myt say sumthin after work but he didnt at all...i onli got a msg after my xam...its like..ok now u wanna sms huh...its not that i dun trust him but sumtymz ur imagination does run wild esp wen u hvnt seen the person for days n like u know things are diffrent..i wish i culd meet him 2moro since i fin werk earli..but since we'r over i guess it wnt happen...n like sat wuz our 4th month n its like as thou he forgot...act i kinda feel like he doesnt tell me nithin...im alwez tellin him stuff bout my job..bout the people....everythin...he doesnt realli..juz tells me like inane n general stuff...as much as i trust him sumtymz stuff people tell me make me think otherwise...ah erll...if he wants to break it off for good then im not gona stop him...im not gona try to hold on or pine for him like i did with hafiz...if this relationship is nothin to him n well even thou a lota things hev happend..i guess hez not the one who has to live with the fact that those things happend...i know i wnt b fine but well i know after sum tym iwill...at least i hop i will...juz gota live with the fact that again i screwed it up...

posted by naddz @ 1:10 AM 0 Comments

Monday, November 22, 2004

hmm..its like 12 sumthin...n he still hasnt finishd werk eh...well amazinli i got an sms juz now..tot it was him..but it was idham...prolly gna go skool with him tomorow...feelin a bit hurt but not gonna let it affect me...probabli his mum took his handphone or sumthin...

posted by naddz @ 1:39 AM 0 Comments

Sunday, November 21, 2004

why be in a relationship when u keep on getting hurt..and when the one youre with doesnt even seem to know ur alive...its like..to him ur just "the girlfren"...im fine if hez like that..im not gna make a big deal out of it..ryt now if he doesnt wana give a shit then i wont too..now if i get smses frm him even those sweet ones..i find myself wondrin if hez doin it cos he means it or cos i sounded it out that he didnt..like the movie..he wants to see it to make me happy n he sez he wont b happi if im not..yeah in other words...he wants me to not be upset with him n take it out on him so he wont b in a bad mood..pleaselah..id rather watch all movies on my own than him cmin with me cos of pity or whatever..no thank u...hell id rather b alone than accept pity...now i even wonder if hez still with me for that reason too..hah..that day when he showed up i totalli guesed dat he read my blog...i oredi knw how the relationship werks..n now if juz gna lay low..y keep on tryn n tryn if its totalli one sided...heck it lah...dun see him till skool starts oso fine...even if he makes plans with me for nithin i alwez xpect him to have to back out last min...know the reason y...mayb i shuld get involved with an orphan..seems easier...i just dun know how much of this i cen take...like now..i know he wont sms...im so tempted to switch off my hp..each tym i get a msg im hopin its him but who is it..idham..its like god leave me alone oredi..at 1st the tot of layanin him wuz like yeah..now its like..hell hez my fren..big deal..he wanna like me fine..its sweet...at least he can b bothrd...yeah i know nsf cares for me...juz tell me not to werk...to get rest to stay hm n stuff....say that hez worid...does he realli mean it..i dunno...n im NOT gna sms him nimore...not at all...y be so pathetic ...seem desprate only...no need..no thanks...like i sed..i dun need pity...if he doesnt wanna b in the relationship anymore..i wont stand in his way..id rather be alone than be with sum1 who doesnt feel the same..

posted by naddz @ 1:12 PM 0 Comments

Saturday, November 13, 2004

why do i keep holding on when it looks as thou all hope is gone..each time i feel like giving up..theres alwez sumthin holding me back..but now...the only reason why im still not giving up is cos i love him n i dun wanna screw this up the way i did all other times..i dun wan to lose him...but at the rate things are going its as thou iv already lost him..i know iv got no reason to doubt him at all but i jus feel like sumthings amiss...i dont know what...its just sumthing..i wished things between him n me were the same but i guess thats just wishful thinking..he doesnt even tell me nithin anymore..now i totalli regret askin him bout the trip to kota tinggi all the time n hopin he'll say he can go when i know his mum wont allow him to go...plus the lydia open house..shuldtve askd him...i guess if i didnt tell him bout it he prolly wont tell me hez goin outa spore...looks like ill b goin on the dunman outing on my own...alah ajak idham sudah...hez oso a dunmanite..n he hates ihsan so got bodyguard...i juz dunno bout him nimore...each time im with him i get freaked that it myt juz b da last tym we'r together...n i hate it evrytime i look forward to meet him n it doesnt happen...hmm 630 am...usualli he wuld sms me...esp since i stupidly smsd him so many tymz yest...makes me feel so damn insignificant....freaking hurts..then again hez sick so mayb he didnt wake up for sahur...im not gonna jump to conclusions nimore...n well im oso not gna b so pathetic anymore..keep on smsin him wen i kno he wont reply....whats the point...ill only get more upset anyway...

met idham at tm yest...n he was so damn flirty sia...as much as it wuz ridiculously funni it did well feel kinda nice...felt like i was wanted...forgot how it feels like...now my mum suddenli wont allow me to go kota tinggi..fucklah...fine then...wont go..hell now i dun even kno if i shuld ask him to go out with me nimore...90% of the time i know the answer anyway..hint definitely not a yes...well at least now i got the job so i wont go out n i wont have to ask him out..plus i know hez not the kind to juz appear at my workplace juz to surprise me so i dun xpect it or nithin...rahmat the loon actualli did it twice..appeard at gelare with pina colada in tow..haha...n the mood necklace...surprised he rememberd how much i wanted it since i juz mentiond the ring one time oni...i dun even wanna talk about this anymore..it just hurts too much...juz gona go to work..not think about him(not gonna work thou)juz try to survive this day not glancin at my hp every hour hopin he smses...im not gona stoop to that patheticness...

posted by naddz @ 4:14 AM 0 Comments

Monday, November 08, 2004

ok..so we fought again..what else is new huh...im juz so sick of fightin n feelin like crap after that...after the fyt..i made so many mistakes i felt like crap sia...supposed to make choco waffle n i spilt the mix on the table...i burnt a waffle n made the waffles too small...n sum other things...i was so pissd n upset i was on the verge of cryn...guess i did miss him n wuz pretty pissed i didnt get to meet him...esp on the 2 day he managed to get permission to break fast out...but instead i kena OT...fucklah...but i was hopin dat mayb since i finishd at arnd 830/9 i could meet him after i finish but well dat didnt happen...kinda wanna ask him if he wants to meet tomorow b4 werk but nah...im alwez the 1 askin...pathetic only..guess ill c him like after 2nd week of raya...anyway...i hope that nothin bad happen nimore...seriously doubt it but hey i can hope ryt....oklah...i feel like hurling sia...muz b the mutton chop...

posted by naddz @ 11:41 PM 0 Comments

Sunday, November 07, 2004

hmm...started work @ gelare on friday...so far its been oryt but 2dae...damn...i started work at like 11...supposed to finish at 330..but guess wad...i oni finishd at arnd 6...n then i walkd arnd...supposed to buka but juz didnt have the mood(yes we fought again)...went back to work at 7...n only finishd at 11...walkd back the long way home after that..was just way too upsetlah...burnt my hands on the waffle machine sumore...n well im juz so damn freakin tired..plus i went from not havin to work 2moro to workin frm 12-430...great ryt...there goes my rest day..n well..on thurs lach is havin a dinner n she invited him too..doubt hell wanna go though plus doubt his mom will allow it..wad else is new eh...hmm..oh yeah guess who i had to serve juz nw..zul...hahahha...yeah the guy from interact...haha..he kept on starin starin at me till i had to ask him for the number tag twice...well i wna go back to sleep now...

posted by naddz @ 11:55 PM 0 Comments

Saturday, November 06, 2004

oh my god..what is up with my emo trip these last few days...boleh mati...i know i know there hev been major problems between my baby n me..but well blame it on a lack of communication...we used to like go fort canning n talk n stuff but now we dun do that at all n we'r rarely together so definitely things would get hard..esp if we'r so used to bein together n now we see each other the most 3 times a week n that oso juz for a while...hey i totalli trust him so im not like worrid if he fools around..n well if he does..ill make sure that he is unable to have kids..kiddin..but sumtymz ur imagination juz runs wild...cant help it..n well i think that things suld get better soon...well at least i hope so..as much as sumtymz i wonder to myself if i should just give up on the relationship and if we just shouldnt be together i know that i want it to work...well..im tired n sleepy after workin jez now so im gona sleep...

posted by naddz @ 2:00 AM 0 Comments

Thursday, November 04, 2004

juz got a letter from mdm wong from np...seems that i failed my maths n gota go down for the summer school..great ryt...nadiah the moron has struck again..god..just when i thought my life couldnt get more depressing it just did...b4 this i never even thought about my xams n wad i would n wuldnt clear...n now its all i tink bout...n cmon..its not xactli the best thing to think about durin ur holidays...argh..add this to my whole list of problems n now my life is officially a living hell..i didnt wanna break down n now i am..i just cant do this.im not cut out for this..i dont know what in the world i was thinkin choosing this course..i hate this..breaking down n cryin like mad...the feeling sucks n well if sum1 catches me crying its gonna b damn embarassing...n well yah comfortin me in that way helps i guess...but like i feel better with false assurances that things will turn out fine n dat im overeactin and hugs n stuff...ah hell got my pillow..just hug dat lah..well since ill b out tomorow goin to skool cen spend sum tym technically alone n well cry i guess..been a long time since i had a good cry over well everythin..need that...then again i need a lota stuff but i dun get it ryt...ah well...tink ill go sleep now..dun wanna bother him with the prob nimore..i oredi know his reaction...n wad he'll say or do..so now i shall hug my bolster..at leaast cen hug sumthin...i really wanna die u know...sure yes thats like 1 sign of depression that i never had...so now iv got that im officially sufferin from depression...cool huh....

posted by naddz @ 4:35 AM 0 Comments

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

i cant take this anymore....its like things between me n him have been goin from bad to worse..its bad enough that we dont talk or communicate as much but everytime we do or everytime we go out we'll definitely end up in a fight.I hate that.i hate this..its like as thou hez tryn to avoid any form of communication wth me..even when we chat i dun feel da way i used to..its like as thou he'z diffrent..he treats me diffrently..sumtymz i dun even know if hez in it for real anymore..like juz now i smsd n nothin..only when i calld did he answer..its like..what u cant just sms me n say sumthin..anythin at all...i kno i kno..y m i being so demandin ryt...i shuldnt b but thats juz how i feel...its like..i dun care if he is broke n cant even afford a thing at all..but little stuff dat shows dat he knows i xist is what matters..i miss him but well what can i do.we both have our own stuff and well i dun wanna take up so much of his time anymore..if i have to let go then well i guess i have to let go then...this is hurtin me a lot but just gota tahan...go on pretendin im fine...have to..i love him but if its not supposed to be then i havent got a choice now have it...just gota accept it and move on

posted by naddz @ 7:22 PM 0 Comments

god..i dont know what the hell has come over me...he sez things are fine but why do i feel things arent??why do i feel like suddenly hez acting diffrently towards me and that im not even losing him anymore but well iv already lost him..its like..even thou we see each other a lot..it feels like even though hez with me physically...well in terms of other things hez not..it gets to the point where i get pissed at delibrately try to avoid him so that i wont get too upset and end up crying or sumthin..i watchd kate & leopold yesterday and then the prince & me just now...and i found myself wondering..do we have what the characters have in the show...ok ok its just a show i know and well nothin like that happens in real life and well the feelings are not real i guess...and well i juz sumtym feel like he doesnt want me around or that he'd rather no1 know about me...i undastand the whole thing but sumtymz it does hurt a bit...i know im being petty and terrible and well a total bitch thats why im just gonna forget i ever thought this way....ok this had nothin to do with the subject...i jus thot of it...would u rather b with sum1 u loved with all ur heart but well doesnt realli love u that much...or with sum1 hu is crazy in love with u but u dun realli return the same feelins...it is worth ponderin over dun u tink?

posted by naddz @ 3:29 AM 0 Comments

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

things between me & him have been real rough lately...i guess its a mixture of puasa n like me n my bloody moods n well my uber bitchified bhaviour recently...well i cant help it...hungri plus me misinterprating evry single thing...i dunno y im like this...esp now...its like suddenli iv got this feelin if im not careful or nithin i will definitely end up losin him...thing is i dunno wad da hell im supposed to do...im so ok with the whole freedom n independent thingy...thou when i wuz with zhofry that ended up blowing up in my face..but im not the kind to not trust anione..unless they broke that trust once...i will forgive definitely..but forget..pleeselah..but nwe back to him...i know if i say this ill end up barfing n all but hell...i really do love him...i admit..yes i know..im supposed to be the ice queen...n im supposed to spit in loves' eye n all that but well i changed my mind...i love being with him n well even if im not with him i still feel it...god i wanna kill myself for bein so emo..yerkh...i cant believe he n i would still b together after all this time n everything else...and the thought of losing him is just freaky...i mean i know ill survive and all n hey if he doesnt wanna be with me im not gonna say a thing to try n get him to change his mind..but bottom line is..i just dun want it happening..sumtymz i just wish i knew how he felt bout me..damn..im startin to get sleepy...anyways..i just wanna say that im so sorry baby..i dun blame u for gettin mad at me for all the times i wuz so terrible to u...really hated the way tonight ended...anyways..i dont think ill b seeing u anytime soon so just take care of urself..esp at work...i love u...

posted by naddz @ 4:03 AM 0 Comments

Monday, November 01, 2004

today sucked!!!!yeah it started bad....in da middle wuz great..got to meet him but after that...argggh....i just wanna die u know...or just disappear into thin ait...this feeling sucks n i just feel like i wanna scream and hit something real hard...bloodi hell i hate myself..i hate my life...i hate everything!!!i wish my mom had never had me..then she wont be goin throu so much crap...n so dat he'll be happier...at least i wont drive him so nuts

posted by naddz @ 10:40 PM 0 Comments